The New Gay Shame Game

Australia has changed a lot since my teens in the 1970s. I grew up thinking I was the only one (who wasn’t obvious). That’s how suppressed it was. I was a member of the first Young Gays group in the country that formed at the 5th National Homosexual Conference at the Universal Workshop, Fitzroy, Melbourne in 1979. 1

That’s where I met John Caleo and his high school sweetheart Tim Conigrave, who wrote a book about their love story called, “Holding the Man”. It later became a play and then a movie in 2015.

Those were the days when were struggling to get homosexuality legalized and stop gay bashing. I was beaten up twice in public (that bar scene in Holding the Man). We were all doing what we could to ‘come out of the closet’, demand respect and change attitudes.

They weren’t perfect times and the memories weren’t all peaches and cream. In some circles there was inappropriate pressure to ‘come out’ before one felt really ready. The more ideologically driven gays and lesbians showed less sensitivity to individual circumstances and respect for individual agency than they could have, such was their fervor for ‘the cause’. But we cared, and we were brave. And it paid off eventually.

But something is happening now that is undermining those efforts. There’s a new form of gay shame going around. How is this possible?

Well, you change a few words and make excuses for people who are different. For example, ‘closeted’ is now ‘discrete’. It helps to change the language because it breaks continuity with the past. (One of the reasons I’m a keen advocate of longevity for life-long-learners is that it curtails cultural amnesia.) Gay male dating apps are normalizing closeted behaviour by including ‘discrete’ as a profile option. Faceless and even blank profiles are common place. Some cite ‘the workplace’ as an excuse, but who, pray tell, is going to see you unless they’re on the same app?

The clever thing about the word ‘discrete’ is that it applies to what the user feels is information that others would rather not know, or need not know. Like how big your dick is. Here’s the pinch, though. It’s also used by many who regard their same-sex preference as information others don’t need to know. Here we are in 2024 and hiding your homosexuality is normal again.

How did we achieve this fabulous new freedom? Well, like I said, you make concessions for people who are different. This is popularly known as being a ‘diverse and accepting country’. In other words, if you’re from an anti-gay background, it’s okay to be ‘discrete’, even if you came to Australia to escape anti-gay sentiment. Now it’s not just Asians (whose culture is centered on not ‘rocking the boat’) or Muslims (need I say more), or people from any number of other anti-gay countries, it’s being adopted by Australian men. Why would they do it? Cowardice is contagious. The Internet and social media is facilitating it.

But to be fair, it’s not just about sexual preference, it’s mixed up with promiscuity. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude. I’ve had plenty of fun, uncommitted sex. And you probably don’t want to know more, which is why some discretion around sexual activity is only appropriate in certain circumstances (like here). Again, don’t get me wrong, I rejoice in the sexual freedom we have today. The trouble is there’s so much of it and it’s so dehumanizing. Some gay dating apps are hyper-sexualizing. People aren’t discrete about showing what counts to them — genitals. Why be coy about that on a gay app that’s renowned for hook ups? (You know which one I’m talking about… maybe.) It doesn’t matter what your face looks like and what character it conveys when you’re just looking for a rubber-doll substitute.

It’s become normal to do things you’d be ashamed to tell anyone about. Why would you want to meet up with someone you’re not comfortable being seen in public with? And not give a damn how it makes them feel? People seem to have completely forgotten about falling in love. Yeah, that antiquated idea. Personally, I think if you’re incapable of falling in love, you’ve probably lost the ability to feel, Alfie.

Now it seems gay love stories are for the movies, not real life.

Originally published at http://equanimity.blog on January 22, 2024.